I have boys. Two energetic, rambunctious, scraped kneed, noisy, sword fighting, rock throwing, pig tail pulling, quick tempered, potty humor appreciating, outdoor peeing, authority challenging, sleeve-instead-of-a-napkin-using, chest pounding boys.
This was not my plan.
When I though of having children, I envisioned my girly girl self with two or three perfectly coiffed daughters, hand in hand smiling sweetly as they follow my through the store. Primping, cooking, knitting, sewing, flirting, gossiping, giggling, and just plain being a girl….those things I know. Those are things with which I am comfortable. But God thought having boys would be a better plan for me. Instead, I have two little mussed up monkeys, climbing, running, touching everything in their path while defeating some imaginary alien as they follow me through the store. In the beginning, I questioned that plan. But once I go over the idea of raising boys with the same mindset that I would raise girls, I came to embrace all them in all their goofy boyness. Don’t get me wrong, I loved them even before they were born. I just wasn’t sure I’d understand what I was supposed to do with them!
As we have learned as women, men’s brains are not the same as ours. They think differently, they emote differently, and many times they seem very hard to understand. As wives we learn to cope with this and if we are lucky, we unlock the secret code. I’ve been told by men that it’s really not so secret. They are simple creatures and have simple needs. Ask your husband. If you feed him, love him, keep his ego intact, and don’t erase sports, The Godfather or any Bond movies from the DVR, you’re probably going to have a fairly successful marriage. Unfortunately, far too many mothers forget to apply this same theory to raising their sons. We are pretty good about loving them and feeding them. But it’s keeping their ego intact that gets tricky.
As strong as it can be, the male ego is a fragile thing. I want my boys to have a strong ego. Not egotistical, but a strong sense of self. I see boys all the time who have a broken spirit. You’ve seen him, too. He walks with his shoulders rolled forward as if to hide his wounded heart. He has sadness in his eyes. Many times a mother has broken his spirit. The person who is supposed to nurture him, is threatened by his natural response to challenge her authority. He end up being nagged and berated until he does what he is told so she doesn’t scold him any more. Sure, he is obedient, but at what expense? They sigh deeply and watch the ground while they walk across the playground, aching to be able to be a little man. There are other boys out there, chasing, wrestling, challenging each other. He doesn’t get a chance to release his frustration, to learn how to interact with other boys, to challenge authority in a safe environment. He is afraid of being beaten down, again. When he is older, he is the child with pent up anger. He releases it in one fell swoop and the expense of many. Or he is the weak father, whose wife and kids see failure in his eyes every time he walks through the door. He is the man who trudges through life trying to avoid conflict and goes unnoticed.
I want my boys to become men. Real men. Not wimpy, browbeaten men afraid of the world. I want them to feel comfortable standing up for themselves regardless of who may be challenging their manhood. Sometimes, that person is me. It is natural for a boy to feel that his mother is threatening his manhood. His nature says he is the protector, the provider. His environment and age say different. I try really hard not to let it get to me when their feathers ruffle and they challenge my authority. I know it is their nature. I know I have to absorb some of it if I want them to be strong men. They argue, they negotiate, they try every tactic to get their way. I have to say, I admire their tenacity. If the situation allows, I let them argue their point and at times they get their way. That is fine when we are at home, when judging eyes are not present. When they challenge my authority in public, it’s a different story. I don’t want them to be afraid to speak their minds, but it’s a fine line between that and being disrespectful. Although it is slower to resolve the matter, many times I let things go until we have a chance to calm down about the matter. I give them the look, or I whisper in their ear the consequences of their actions . It has taken a while, but these days a look and a whisper usually puts an end to the challenge. I try to do it while respecting them as little men. After a challenge, I usually get a very big hug and sometimes a tear and I know they are sorry with out saying the words. While to some I may look like a weak mother, I have let them save face. I try to keep their ego intact.
Right now I am here to come to after they have been challenged by other kids, schoolwork, the mystery of the world, or a just a soccer ball. Just as I don’t always understand why certain things are funny to my boys, I don’t always understand why certain things make them angry. What I am learning is not to deal with their anger in the heat of the moment. Why? Because once a boy has that adrenaline running through his body, there’s nothing you can do to stop it. Talking does nothing when a boy doesn’t hear you any way. No, they don’t hear you. With boys you MUST make them look at you before you speak. I forget this all the time. I catch myself getting angry because they “don’t listen”. The plain fact is that they are listening, just not to me! When the distraction of emotion is afoot, they are listening to their inner alpha male, their blood boiling, the steam coming out of their ears. That’s some pretty noisy stuff! There is no way I can compete with that. So we talk after we are all calmed down . We talk about what we learned from each experience, what we could have done differently, how we would want to be treated.
I could handle these incidents differently. I could brow beat them, nag them, scream at them, force them to say sorry when they are not, or spank them until they completely submit. Mind you , I have tried most of these tactics on occasion but I was not happy with the outcome. Sure I won the fight, but when would I look in their eyes, I would see sadness. Not a sadness for what they did wrong, but for the fact that their ego was crushed. I feel fortunate that I caught myself early (with the help of my husband’s eyes) and that I could change that path. I slip up more often than I like, but I’m getting the hang of it all. I have to be a firm and loving mother…. in the background. I have to let them make mistakes. I have to let them take the fall. I have to let them learn how to deal with the opposite sex (girls are a huge mystery to them….not having sisters and all). I have to let them size up other boys. Sometimes they emerge as a leader, and other times they fall in line with the pack. Sometimes they fall flat on their faces. They have to live these things in order to be strong men.
I want my boys grow up to be wonderful husbands, the kind who love and support their wives while still remaining strong. I want them to be the kind of father who oozes with love and pride over his kids and isn’t afraid to show them. I want them to love and provide for their families and be proud of doing so. I want their families to know that their Dad will protect them from everything he can. I want them each to be a man’s man….the kind who other men respect. I want them to be passionate about whatever they do in life whether it be their career, a hobby, or the latest music they have discovered.
I like the direction I am going with my boys. At times, this may seem like an uneasy path to some. I like to let my boys be boys….but it’s not what we are used to seeing. Things have changed over the past thirty years. No longer are we supposed to get our feelings hurt. Kids are not aloud to work things out on the playground (which sometimes includes a physical encounter). We can’t play games where someone may be the last to be picked. Children are not aloud to find out what it feels like to lose. If you don’t know what it feels like to lose, how can you learn to be humble when you win? Boys are medicated when they are just acting like normal wiggly inattentive boys. They begin to believe it’s not right to follow their natural instinct. They are taught to always bow down to women, not out of respect and chivalry, but because of an agenda that crushes the male sprit. From this, girls learn that their being matters more than a boy’s. Children have a sense of entitlement never to have a hurt feeling, never to have to lose, not to face reality. I think we see the unfortunate results of these things everyday.
I used to buy into some of that….before I became the mother of boys.
My two compassionate, angelic, chivalrous, helpful, inquisitive, humorous, mama spoiling, strong, best of friends, hugs and kisses giving, intelligent, silly, sweet, lovable, snuggly, authority challenging , growing up waaaay to fast, wonderful little men.
And if your daughters are lucky, (far in the future) they may meet one of my sons.
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